Rate my writing por favor! Be judgmental, I might cry [haha, hope not] but it's still good to know!?

Since this is my type of story, I think it has loads of potential to be a great story. It may need some adjusting here and there, using a little more detail - I said a little - and more descriptive vocabulary, but other than that, it's a great, brilliant, well thought out start to a story. Hope to see it on the shelf one day! By the way, what's the main character's name that is telling the story.